Parenthood Can Be Heartbreaking

Somewhere in between the time our puppy woke us to go out and the alarm going off, I was able to visit my little ones again.

I dreamt them.

I can’t recall exactly where we were in my dream but my 3 littles and I were snuggled into a corner. My oldest son was probably 4, making my daughter 3 and my youngest son about 2. I don’t know what we were really doing there, but I remember we were comfortable. There were lots of pillows and some blankets, and to my right, there was a nice big window that let in just enough light to feel magical.

I could hear them talking in their little voices, and my two oldest seemed to be in a deep, toddler conversation. That is the moment when I realized that I was actually dreaming. The beginning of the dream is hazy, but from the moment I realized that I was dreaming until I woke, that time felt very real. I could feel them. I could hear their voices and smell the tops of their little heads. I knew I was dreaming and so I soaked it all in. I loved on them, I tickled them, I ran my hands through my youngest’s curls. I held their little hands. I listened to my daughter sing some sweet made up song that I can’t recall, and I watched my oldest son hug my daughter, while my youngest came and laid on my chest.

I knew I was dreaming but I was happy, and when I woke up I felt like I had just left a visit. I could still hear them, and even as I am typing this, just a few hours later, I can still hear them. I hear my son talking to my daughter and my daughter singing. When I close my eyes I can see my son’s smile and the light shining in my son’s hair. If I just sit, I can feel the pressure of my youngest son laying on my chest.

The mind is amazing.

Today, my kids are 12 years older than they were in this dream. They are the same kids but different people. Everyone knows that kids grow up and I would imagine that every parent knows that having their kids grow up will be hard, but I don’t know if parent’s are ever really ready for the changes their kids go through. I don’t think parents really know how hard it is until it happens. Each stage feels like both a loss and a gain, but sometimes it feels akin to a death. A complete loss of those people.

When I look at pictures of my kids when they were younger I feel like those people are gone, I will never see them again, and that hurts beyond belief. My kids today are great but they aren’t the same as those little ones, and when they are adults they won’t be the same as they are today… and I am sure I will miss those guys too.

My teen children are still my babies and we still have moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Our oldest is driving more and my husband often sits in the passenger seat, there are times when my 15 year old daughter will reach across and just grab my hand, just like when she was little. Last night my two boys came to say goodnight and laid in my bed for a minute… so I started to tickle them, just like when they were little.

When my kids are adults, I will miss these teens. I will miss these people, this version of my children, but my mind tells me that they now more resemble the adults they will become and so it will be easier. I guess I won’t know until it happens.

I am lucky to be able to still love on my children, hug them, talk to them, and watch them grow. I know there are people out there that have actually lost their children and don’t have that opportunity. This post isn’t to diminish how they must feel or correlate watching children grow up to actually losing children. I simply want to encourage every parent to appreciate what you have NOW! It is something we hear all the time… “You will miss this!” or “Enjoy these moments”. It sounds so cliché and seems so obvious, but there is nothing more true. It is a parenting truth.

Your babies will not be small for long, their hands will grow, and so I encourage you to hold them as much as possible. Take extra time snuggling, brushing their hair, reading to them… soak it all in. It will be hard, life always gets in the way, but there is nothing more important!

This summer my kids all got their first jobs, my oldest son started driving, and he and my daughter did their first online college course. We are in the middle of changing our homeschool classroom into a bedroom, so my boys can each have their own room. The room was an amazing space and is filled with memories, but now the kids mostly do their work on the couch or table. I guess the room served its purpose. We now have a nook for books and a desk area for the kids to do their work, but that leaves me deep into trying figure out which paper mache and salt dough projects too keep. Should I keep their cell projects or maybe just one of them as a representative? I am trying to decide if it will be strange to display the big pyramid we built several years ago, on top of the piano. My heart hurts… and my mind knew I needed a visit from my littles!

I love the people my teens are becoming and I am sure I will be proud of the adults they become, but I can’t hide that I hope my babies visit me again. I miss them.

BEM and Fam 🙂

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